Anger is rampant in our world today and it has found a root
in the American society on a level I would never have expected. Anger from not
being heard, anger from economic stress, anger from feeling oppressed by one
group or another – usually a powerful one or a majority, anger for feeling as a
victim of either one’s own or another’s actions, anger from a constant “us vs.
them” mentalities in everything from politics to culture to religion to ethnicity
to even nationality. Everything about anyone else’s thoughts, beliefs, actions
or their very nature is something to be angry about these days. Some days it hurts
just to be in this world of high tension and hostility. It hits my gut with
such sadness every day to see the hatefulness and lack of empathy or even
neutrality people show one another in the smallest of things. Social media has
become an outlet for our emotions, thoughts, knee-jerk reactions of
frustration, annoyance and anger. For many of those with anger still try to
control and mediate these hostilities in our face-to-face interactions -
thankfully. The attacks lodged against strangers on social media, however, is
so prolific that it has become a culture and I fear beginning to feel “justified”
in public group gatherings that become a “mob” mentality. A culture that is now
expanding into violence and hateful speech in rallies and various circles that
have been in existence and that are forming. Tensions are rising, and armies
are being created with positions firmly entrenched into deep-rooted strongholds
of hate, dissension and hostility. Before too long, we will be a society that
cannot have a civil conversation if we don’t take immediate and focused efforts
to dial-back our rhetoric and our anger.
I feel blessed that personally I live in a home filled with
loving tolerance and generosity and I spend much of my working week in an
environment that is similarly charged with appreciation, tolerance,
congeniality, collegiality and respect. Social media and public rallies where
people get all worked up and emotional – often not in a good way – are having as
much a destructive impact as positive one and it is bleeding into other areas
of life, thoughts, beliefs and actions. We have to be more mindful of what is
productive and what is reactive and more harmful than helpful. There is a lot
of turmoil and “bad actors” in our world today. They appear in other countries
and in our own. There are very legitimate concerns that people have about what
is happening around us – both internationally and domestically. I am not for an
instant suggesting we bury our heads in the sand and sing “la-la-la-la” to just
make it go away from our minds, looking at the world through rose-colored
glasses. Quite the contrary. Now is the
time to be bold in our positive engagement with others and to be strong but
compassionate in our communications and actions. This requires the opposite of
anger in order to not be that which we despise and want to change. No one can
fight anger with anger. You cannot fight hate with hate. All of the great
leaders of the world and history who have brought about change and instilled
calm in the midst of chaos have taught us that.
So, we all have a choice to make in whatever we do during
this time… we can either add to the hatefulness and ugliness or we can add to
the efforts to create something better than can help counter the negative.
There are few who haven’t at some point contributed to the hatefulness, anger
and hostility by what they thought about someone, said to someone, or action
they’ve taken. We all have those knee-jerk reactions in thinking of another as:
“idiot”, “arrogant”, “blind”, “ass” or
some other derogatory name-calling. Sometimes those thoughts seep out into our
words and actions. I am certainly no
different in my thoughts. I’ve had to stop myself many many times when those
thoughts come into my consciousness. In
most cases, the name-calling is lodged at a stranger just because they
expressed a viewpoint or engaged in an activity with which we disagree. I implore
everyone to just stop before reacting to another with those thoughts and think,
“how many times has someone said that to or about me, and it was undeserved…they
don’t even know me or what my views or morals are…” While it may feel gratifying in that moment to
lash out with disdain and judgment, it serves no purpose other than
contributing to the growing problem we have in our world right now of rising
hate and lack of tolerance. Everyone wants and thinks they have the moral or
intellectual high-ground, and the reality is that no one has it. Everyone uses
the same tactics, thoughts and words against one another. No one is better than
the other, regardless of how much you believe your views and thoughts to be
superior.
Each side usually will have ideas, thoughts and intentions
that can add to a better circumstance for us all (excepting of course those extremists
who just seek to harm others for the sake of their nature, which is not the
majority). The trick is to find those elements housed in the different sides and
perspectives – of whatever the issue might be - and put them together where
they fit best as in a puzzle. This can only be arrived at through respectful
dialogue and debate that is healthy and has the intention of seeking out the
best answer, not just “my” answer. There is a reason that we are all different
and have different views. We benefit from diversity in thought as well as
diversity in race, gender, religion and other characteristics and traits. We
all have something to contribute to the whole.
Individual but indivisible actually means something… something very,
very important. Only together can we make a whole body, a whole community, a
whole country and even a whole world together. We actually need each other and
each other’s differences to be the greatest we can be. No single-minded or
single-sided perspective will get us there.
I know that there are very legitimate concerns swirling
around about the worst of one side or another. Those fears that are expressed
from one side about another are not unfounded, they are legitimate. That’s why
each side needs the other to balance out those outliers to weed out those
perspectives that aren’t as productive and helpful as what can be achieved with
more balance and some of the other side’s perspectives. But that takes
listening to each other and respectfully challenging the other side on those
areas of concern with facts, real scenarios and real solutions, not just
attacks and screaming at one another. There are good things to be taken from
each side…In my many years of experience in negotiations, I’ve learned that so
much forward progress is made by simply asking “what are you intending to
accomplish with this….?” instead of flying off the handle with “Are you kidding
me?! No way!! You have to be crazy to think….” At least 3 out of 4 times, the
answer to the question was not what one side thought was the intention. After
exploring what each side was really trying to accomplish, we narrowed the
debate to a very small topic, having realized our objectives on most of the
seeming conflicts were not in fact contrary to the one another and we could
easily arrive at a compromise position on most of it that met each side’s
objectives. Yes, there was always that 1
out of 4 who was really trying to take advantage and get everything possible,
but you can always tell that person by the way they respond to that question
and whether they are reasonable and willing to work with you or not. Then you
deal with them with a firm and dispassionate hand with very firm boundaries,
but never a disrespectful or hateful hand.
Even in today’s often rancid social media environment where
everything is an “us vs. them” mentality, and so many are ready to pounce at
the first hint of a “them”, you can use a similar approach to diffuse that
knee-jerk “Are you a crazy idiot” reaction. I’ve done that several times now,
where I’ve entered into a conversation of several like-minded people expressing
a different perspective with a question and an open mind. Sometimes I’ve
suggested that there is another legitimate perspective to people and in those
cases, I’ve gotten “you’re just a …..(idiot, liberal, conservative, blind, or
other negatively-intended label).
Instead of name calling or engaging in debate, a possible reaction is to
ask them a question about how they view things differently than those they
accuse of being part of the “them” group. At some point, we find that we
actually have an alignment on some topic.
That immediately creates some connection despite all the other
differences. This one small connection usually diffuses the animosity and
hostility, and now a real conversation can take place. I’ve done this a few
times, and I have to say that not only did it help me see something in their
perspective, but it helped them see something and diffuse another hateful and
hostile conversation. Any hostile situation that is diffused helps all
participants in that conversation (and those who read them that you don’t know
about who are likely to perpetuate whatever cycle is being created in that
conversation). We all need to see the humanity in the other side and realize we’re
all part of this equation and we all have at least 1 good idea that could be
helpful to our community. We have to be willing to accept that fact and be
willing to engage in productive dialogue to find what the other side has that can
contribute positively to the whole.
Some may say, “We just need to force ourselves” on the other
side because they won’t listen otherwise. Both sides can say that of the other.
We’re back to the notion that there is no moral high ground here when each side
is using the same tactics of hate, animosity and obfuscation against the other
trying to keep all they say and think down.
Yes, you may have an imbalance of power, which makes the dialogue even
more important. Yes, resist what you believe is wrong, but add to the
conversation, and you can add when you’re contributing with positive energy and
intention. Don’t just resist others by telling them what they have wrong, resist
respectfully with what you believe to be true, without hate, animosity or
hostility. Always, always be ready,
willing, open and offering dialogue, not war. War and “us vs. them” scenarios
never work for anyone. It is a downward spiral, and we’re pretty far down that
spiral now. We have to stop the downward spiral and start an upward movement.
You may think that you can’t change anything and can’t single-handedly withstand
the force of the movement against you, whether in a single conversation or on a
larger scale, but you can. Ripple effects are powerful…and effective. Be a positive ripple starter. We all reap
what we sow…start planting those seeds of tolerance and dialogue.
Everything we do, say or even think will either be part of
the solution or part of the problem. Choose wisely, carefully, and
thoughtfully, and choose to address conflict, hate, anger and activism in a way
that doesn’t just create more hatefulness and anger. The most valuable advice
in suffering through the attacks that you might receive is simply to not take
it personally. What people say is more a reflection of them than it is you. You
must also remember this of your own communications. Your statements are more a
reflection of you than anything else, so remember that before you type, write
or speak. What are you projecting and reflecting? Is that who you are? Is that
who you want to be? Are you filled with destructive hate and anger, or are you filed
with the desire to be solution driven and compassionate? You cannot be filled
with hate and anger and be solution driven or compassionate…they are mutually
exclusive. Every statement you utter or write will either part of the problem
or part of the solution. You must choose. Please choose wisely. Our community
depends on your choice...every one of you.
